Of Dice and Men

Okay, you guys may not have noticed it, but there aren’t a whole lot of women hanging out at the dice table – a fact that was solely responsible for my taking an interest in roulette at an early age. That’s where a lot of attractive ladies hang out. But that’s a roulette article, and we’re going to talk about craps, so I’ll leave that for another day.

The fact is, most of us guys don’t know how to act when a woman steps up to the table. It’s sort of like being a high school kid suiting up for spring football practice only to find out the new wide receiver has pads in places you don’t. You know what I mean. You don’t really WANT to tackle her in scrimmage, but you hope to make the best of it when you get the opportunity.

Think about how we treat women at the dice table:

Earl, who has 23 empty beer bottles on the drink shelf, belches in the lady’s ear and asks, “Who’s got the dice, Bubba?”

Bubba, standing on the other side of the lady, puts his arm around her and says, “Our gal shooter. I gotta feeling she’s a good ‘un.”

The middle-aged guy in the cowboy hat stares at her chest and says, “Ma’am, did them curves come in that dress or did you put ‘em there.”

The brother from the ‘hood puts a chip inside the bubble and says, “Come on, baby. Let’s roll in the Field.”

The stick man shouts, “Lady driver,” then short-sticks the dice to her.

She leans over the table, inadvertently giving the the Don’t player standing straight out a glimpse of heaven.  He grabs his chest and fakes a heart attack.

The fat guy with no hair tosses out a “Hard six for the lady.”

And the wise guy standing next to him asks, “Is she a virgin?”

Then the dealers get into the sexual side of the game. Do you want anything Coming? How about a three-way?

Well, you get the drift. Of course, the real problem is that men and women are just . . . well . . . different. For example, women have “relationships” with men, while men “go out” with women. When the relationship ends, women cry it out with their girlfriends, then write a poem entitled “All Men are Jerks” and get on with their lives. Guys mope around for six months, then get drunk and make the “there’s still a chance for us” phone call. This is just before they are arrested for stalking.

Of course, we’re different in other ways. Women mature earlier than men. My daughters were both was quite capable of functioning as adults when they were fifteen. The seventeen-year-old boy down the street was still into skateboards, video games, and giving his buddies wedgies in gym class. In fact, he just turned twenty-one and he’s still into skateboards, video games and wedgies.

Women look good in Spandex. Men look scary. Women don’t get “The Three Stooges.” Men don’t get “The Notebook.” Women talk about their wedding ceremonies. Men talk about their bachelor parties. Women dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Men write phone numbers on the palms of their hands. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but kick the cat when the woman is not around. A woman’s view of safe sex includes a condom. For us guys it’s a padded headboard. Men’s magazines have photos of nude women. Women’s magazines also have photos of nude women. If you’ve ever seen a nude craps player you understand why. By the way, a women cannot have too much jewelry. A man wearing too much jewelry is usually mistaken for a lounge singer named Vic. But the real difference in men and women comes down to this. Women park their cars in the garage. Men leave the car out on the driveway and build a craps table in the garage.

Well, here’s an idea. Next time you’re at the table and a lady wants to buy in – just squeeze over and treat her like one of the guys. Who knows? You might even end up swapping high fives.